Thursday, 9 November 2017

The time disappeared like sand from his hands

These last few days have been hazy. Each day at work I have lost track of the time and sometimes what I'm doing, hitting auto-pilot mostly throughout. I've cancelled most, if not all, of my coaching whether voluntary or paid. I just can't focus on anything right now. I feel displaced, numb. And not comfortably either. Learning from my experience when in the midst of my second great depression, the black, I have tried not to fight it because that only leads to more of the same and increased feelings of self loathing. I have felt that all too familiar feeling of tiredness and deep emptiness with it. 
I have managed to keep active but it has been a struggle. So I kept it light where possible. Even today my run I just, well, ran. I didn't focus on any speed needs or how many miles I did or didn't do. I just ran in the autumn air and it felt good. Nice even. 
The weather has matched my mood and so I have matched my music as a result. Alice in Chains, Nine Inch Nails and Pink Floyd with some Manic Street Preachers alongside. It all matches and feels right. I don't force good time music if I'm not feeling it. It feels false and rarely, if ever, works. So for now, this is me. Circumstantial black That will recede to grey, that I know but I'm not keen to escape it as it reminds me of doggy and his not being here. If I recover it feels like I will forget. Daft, I know, but there you are. 
Time will see me through whether I want it to or not.

Monday, 6 November 2017

A very cold blue

It is a feeling I have long recognized but this time around it is a feeling that has come around due to circumstantial events rather than internal biological ones. That empty cold sickness deep in my gut. That hollow chilly fear. This time it's due to the passing of the family doggy. Seeing the way he broke done over the course of a week, his sight going, his movement too and the way he whined and cried through it oh it was horrible. And it hurt so to not being able to do anything to help him. He passed, thankfully for him, not long after these events. 
It was a stressful last few days. Doggies bring so much into your life but when they go the emptiness and the missing is acute, so very acute. The tail wagging and the licks when you come back home, the hugs and the pats, the nibbles of the ear when you get close to them and the slobbery kisses from them too missing them muchly now and I will even more so as the days go on. 
This month seems a lot colder right now.

Thursday, 2 November 2017

I looked up and breathed deeply

I have been mostly stable, so far which for me is good considering the time of season and year. As the dark nights descend and my sleep pattern and body clock are disrupted a bit I tend to experience a bit of a dip. But so far nothing quite so severe. I can recall one bad day feeling quite bad but it hasn't been consistent at all. Today has been a low point but due to the family doggy going down ill and rapidly breaking down. After a visit to the Vet they checked him over but said there wasn't anything outstandingly wrong with him but possibly old age could be the problem, And now he is a lot worse, the way he walks, moves, looks at you. I suspect he may leave us soon. It will be a hard couple of days ahead.

Monday, 31 July 2017

I knew it was there despite pretending it wasn't.

Today is a storm cloud coloured kind of day. Not quite grey but not quite black enough to be a bad day but enough of a disruptor to make me feel tried and down.
I felt the usual fear Sunday night and by the morning I awoke before the alarm feeling jittery. It is always the morning with me. It is almost as if all the fears that had been slumbering fairly peacefully rouse on a Monday morning just to open up and spew forth. 
A few years ago it would have kept me in bed. These days I can just about fend them off with my usual mental 'shssh'. It is the only simple thing that keeps them and me in check.
I knew things weren't great when I felt more tired than usual despite having a relaxed non sporty weekend. It brought to mind that empty batteries running down feeling that I had at my worst a few years back. That feeling I fear returning to. That feeling that is replicated whenever I have a virus and I immediately wonder, is it coming back? Is it a visit or something more... long term?
When it is like that, like today it is harder to ignore and pretend it isn't there. some days I have done that, I try not to but sometimes I can't help it. I try not to be defined by this but that is difficult when it has had such an effect over my life. Fears of the future, what may or may not be are creeping in a lot at the moment bu then maybe that it is to do with my age more than anything? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that no matter how often I tell myself it I don't think I will ever get used to being this way until my, hopefully, natural end.
At work this morning it was a Tool kind of music day. Their music really chimed with me again, fitting in with my mood. If it rains, so much the better.

Wednesday, 12 July 2017

I can't find my batteries

Today was a day of trying to keep to the, be kind to self, day. After a health scare yesterday today I took it upon myself, albeit grudgingly at first, to just lay off my usual routine if it means I can get back to it with more vigor and energy tomorrow. Admittedly, tomorrow never comes but today I strove to make sure that it will. With my main work was out of the way so nuts to it. rest, tea and toast and, yes damn it, if required biscuit dunking too. I just felt too drained today, power levels in the red. I'm not sure if it due to the last couple of days or if it a dose I was supposed to do more things today and I was also due out for sporty times tonight but I could not face it. And not because of the usual either. I felt run down upon waking. Never a good sign and generally sets the tone for the rest of the day. There are times when I can bat those concerns away, take stock as the day unfolds but not today.
Today I had no resupply of batteries. Only old ones still on re-charge.
Days like this are a reminder of what I fear. That this will be always. It's a tap on the shoulder from inside, from it, telling me, 'Get used to it. This is you now. Until the end.'
Time for more of The Boss.

Monday, 26 June 2017

He huffed and puffed but could not make it go in. Upon looking, he realised he was trying to put his square peg into a circular hole.

Currently I am reading Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy and it is chiming muchly with me. It is a book I have to take my time with and doesn't read quickly but I am enjoying the language and slowness of it. Mostly because Jude's tale is matching my own lot right now. Particularly his attempt to better himself and move to the city of his dreams where he thinks all will be better for him and he will be a man transformed. I am in the third section at the moment and his dream has currently ended leaving him feeling, melancholy mad. (A phrase which I read and knew I had to put into my blog as a new title). Which is where I am after some news today.
We have, or I have, been here before. Last year, late September. There is a video link there for a perfectly sums up my experience then and now by Stewart Lee regarding not dreaming, not getting what you want. Aside from that and going for a few hill sprints there isn't anything I can to do to get over this feeling. It feels a little bit like having burnt my tongue. Nothing will bring those taste buds back to life but time. But even then I think this feeling will linger some. I had too much hope. Before I had breezed through the process but this time before I had even started my nerves kicked in, expectation was high. All that anxiety brought on by... well, me. As per usual. And, although I tried, I could not escape it or settle down before I had started. 
When I saw the email this morning with those all too familiar, you have not been successful at this time, words I wasn't surprised. I had failed. To use a running metaphor, I hadn't even made it beyond the qualifying race to the big event itself. Pathetic. The only upside is that, although I am hammering myself mentally and physically, I am resisting the big time sink into the ground option that would have been my go to when really in the deep black. 
My experiences have taught me to know the difference between the two and I suppose that is something. Once, or when I eventually get over this, I am sure I will appreciate that more.

Tuesday, 30 May 2017

I took a step outside but the wind forced me back. I did not resist.

Sad times. Chris Cornell, gone and the news of a former colleague also gone has left me wobbly. That and an illness working in sync made for a difficult week. Thankfully there was a bank holiday to rest in and the usual self care activities, or non in some cases, saw me at least relax somewhat.
Now, although I was resigned to this a couple of years back, that me having this illness will be a constant, the thought of it and when it actually hits me and the subsequent after-effects of it are still no easier to deal with. It makes me think about relationships, again and whether or not I can even be in one long term. It makes me think about my career prospects and employment future and whether or not, as my hours increase, my employer will be sympathetic to mental illness. So many questions, thoughts and fears. 
Of course, if my book took off then that would probably answer those questions as I would be my employer. 
Hmm, considering my issues with myself in the past that might not be a good thing.