Thursday, 15 February 2018

It's chilly outside inside but cold inside

There have been a few warning signs these last couple of weeks. One of which is increased blogger writing, obviously, but also the usual. Over tired, sleeping deeply when napping, increased frustration over silly small stuff and that urge to just give up. 
Years ago before that first episode I used to like being ill, having a cold or flu because it meant I could rest up, go to bed, let go. I know now that those feelings were warning signs. 
I didn't realise it then but I do now. I had a dream when napping that had me rage and break my own stuff in it due to minor frustrations. That's either a warning of what could happen or me worrying about what could happen. Either way it has me concerned. 
My mum knows when I am bad and asked me outright, as she does but I couldn't even acknowledge it. When she says nice things to me it won't sink in. 
I can't have nice things when I'm bad. 
It's a worry and if it continues well then that worry will become something else.
I fear a return to what was.

Tuesday, 30 January 2018

'I'll just have a little rest', he said before drifting off for 6 years

So yesterday; yesterday was a bit of a shock and I am still feeling it's effects today. 
It was a real trip back to how I was when bad. And if that wasn't bad enough the depression nostalgia increased as not long after writing yesterday's post I received an email from that Uni I had applied to turning me down. Of course they did, it was the day for gash news, if nothing else.
That news was like having a pain in the guts and then rising for some air before being hoofed in the family jewels. All that was left for me was music and tea and hope that a new day would bring new mood.
Has it? Not really. I'm feeling very worn inside and certain images of me giving up, as it were, are a bit constant. Not giving up permatenly but giving up nonetheless which is always a bad sign. If nothing, else all this mental illness over the years has made me more aware of the danger signs leading up to an episode. being overly moody, tetchy, snapping at minor things, feeling empty, tired, worn, sleep becoming difficult and then over sleeping if I take a nap and feeling out of it afterwards. Small things to do feeling like they are very big things, small stresses causing me big stressful responses, the usual really. Or, more like, the usual when I am bad. I felt so tired and worn yesterday but when it came to bedtime I took a long time to nod off. Frustrating and confusing. The dreams that followed were all about or involved 'it' too.
Thankfully, yesterday and today are pretty open once work has been completed. I've given myself time off from exercise hoping that the rest, mentally and physically, will help some. Aside from that, I can only hope that this will pass. The fear of returning to what I was, when bad, really bad, is still a fear and yesterday has only increased that fear. I must try and not give in to the urge to sweep away all before me when things feel bad. I must test and adjust and try and keep to my treat system. As in, get through this today and when at home I can read in bed as early as I want or buy that album I've been eyeing up. That kind of thing is small but helps muchly.

Monday, 29 January 2018

Words can bring me down

Things have moved on apace since before, during and after Xmas. I had an interview for a battlefield tour guide before Xmas (required a long drive to a place I'd never ventured to before which was more scary than the interview) I had a new cleaning slot at a fabulous shop (I also got a lill' discount too and had so many ideas for new hobbies and gifts for others too) and I made an application to get onto a full degree course at University. 
In this time I've also lost my appetite for coaching. Well, certain coaching. A certain coaching slot where it's more baby sitting than actually coaching. Unfortunately I get paid for that coaching. The voluntary coaching I enjoy so for now I may stick with that. That aside, it just isn't working out. I just can't break into full time. So maybe it's time to go back to what I was, re: the degree Uni thingy. No word back from it so far though. And I have since lost the other cleaning slot. Damn shame that. I really enjoyed it.
Mentally I'm stable. Apart from today but I suppose days like these will happen. Monday has always been the worst for me. The anxiety first thing and then if bad that generally feeling of black. I have been feeling anxious and tetchy lately. Not wanting to engage with anyone,  that kinda thing that always points towards warning signs with regards to depression. Compared to what I was, however, it isn't nearly as bad  but anytime I get even so much as hint of what was I get ... apprehensive, nervous. The fear of returning to what I was when bad is all too real. 
Everything I need to get done has been done so now I'm going to take it easy on myself. Tea, reading stuff to mentally soothe me. Basically trying to go against the grain and be nice to myself. I'm getting better at it.

Monday, 8 January 2018

Monday, 11 December 2017

Weekly Blue

On Friday I had an interview. The interview required a long drive to a new place and area. So in the days leading up to it, waking up of a morning and going to bed of an evening meant my anxious self was present. That low feeling was creeping in too meaning bed time was a bit of a low time. Thankfully my sleeping wasn't affected too much, not like it used to be in the dark days of the deep black. It did make me wonder though. Not if it was returning but if the high anxiety happens too often and for too long would that be storing up depression credit to be spent later on down the line of my life?
On the plus side I did manage to get up and out of bed and get to travel up to a new area and try it whilst it snowed quite heavily as well. I found the area, did the task and drove back. 
All in all a successful day and one that, years ago, would have been a struggle. And had I failed it the following days would have been a  bigger struggle, due to me duffing myself up with my usual, you failed it all again. As is/was usual with me. I have progressed and being nervous of new stuff is always going to happen. But when I complete it I feel so much better, so much more like I've grown a slightly thicker skin that can withstand similar in future. 
This is what I need to remember. Otherwise I find myself slipping back to the old ways. And that would not be good.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

The time disappeared like sand from his hands

These last few days have been hazy. Each day at work I have lost track of the time and sometimes what I'm doing, hitting auto-pilot mostly throughout. I've cancelled most, if not all, of my coaching whether voluntary or paid. I just can't focus on anything right now. I feel displaced, numb. And not comfortably either. Learning from my experience when in the midst of my second great depression, the black, I have tried not to fight it because that only leads to more of the same and increased feelings of self loathing. I have felt that all too familiar feeling of tiredness and deep emptiness with it. 
I have managed to keep active but it has been a struggle. So I kept it light where possible. Even today my run I just, well, ran. I didn't focus on any speed needs or how many miles I did or didn't do. I just ran in the autumn air and it felt good. Nice even. 
The weather has matched my mood and so I have matched my music as a result. Alice in Chains, Nine Inch Nails and Pink Floyd with some Manic Street Preachers alongside. It all matches and feels right. I don't force good time music if I'm not feeling it. It feels false and rarely, if ever, works. So for now, this is me. Circumstantial black That will recede to grey, that I know but I'm not keen to escape it as it reminds me of doggy and his not being here. If I recover it feels like I will forget. Daft, I know, but there you are. 
Time will see me through whether I want it to or not.

Monday, 6 November 2017

A very cold blue

It is a feeling I have long recognized but this time around it is a feeling that has come around due to circumstantial events rather than internal biological ones. That empty cold sickness deep in my gut. That hollow chilly fear. This time it's due to the passing of the family doggy. Seeing the way he broke done over the course of a week, his sight going, his movement too and the way he whined and cried through it oh it was horrible. And it hurt so to not being able to do anything to help him. He passed, thankfully for him, not long after these events. 
It was a stressful last few days. Doggies bring so much into your life but when they go the emptiness and the missing is acute, so very acute. The tail wagging and the licks when you come back home, the hugs and the pats, the nibbles of the ear when you get close to them and the slobbery kisses from them too missing them muchly now and I will even more so as the days go on. 
This month seems a lot colder right now.